If they really wanted to change, they would.”
It’s a phrase we’ve all heard. Perhaps we’ve even said it ourselves.
In today’s world, we’re surrounded by messages telling us to “just do it,” “stop overthinking,” or “take action already.”While there is certainly truth in the idea that growth requires courage, I believe we also need to remember something equally important: real change is rarely instant. It takes time, patience, strength, courage, readiness, and perhaps most importantly, willingness.
As a Life Coach and Spiritual Counsellor, one of the models that has stayed with me throughout my education—and one I continue to reflect on in both my personal life and professional practice—is the Transtheoretical Model, more commonly known as the Stages of Change Model.
Developed by psychologists Dr. James O. Prochaska and Dr. Carlo C. DiClemente in the late 1970s, the model was originally created while studying how people successfully changed behaviours such as smoking. Since then, it has become one of the most widely recognized frameworks in psychology, counselling, healthcare, and coaching because it recognizes something profoundly important: lasting change happens in stages, not all at once.
Although the model was first developed to understand behaviour change, I believe its wisdom reaches far beyond smoking cessation or health habits. It speaks to something deeply human. It reminds us that healing is not a single event; it is a process of growth, self-awareness, courage, and readiness.
Meeting People Where They Are
One of the greatest gifts this model offers is compassion.
Instead of asking, “Why won’t they just change?” it encourages us to ask a very different question: “Where are they in their journey?”
That single shift changes everything.
When we stop expecting everyone to be in the same place, we begin replacing judgment with understanding. We stop trying to push people before they’re ready and instead begin walking beside them with empathy. Whether we are counsellors, coaches, healthcare professionals, parents, partners, family members, or friends, one of the greatest gifts we can offer another human being is not pressure—but presence.
This model didn’t just help me better understand the people I work with. It also helped me better understand myself.
My Own Journey
One of the most significant examples in my own life was learning to drive.
For years, people encouraged me to get behind the wheel. They reminded me of the freedom it would give me, the independence it would create, and how much easier life would become. They believed in me, encouraged me, and sometimes even pushed me.
The truth is—they weren’t wrong.
Logically, I understood every reason they gave me. Cognitively, I knew driving would improve my life. But knowing something intellectually and being emotionally ready are not always the same thing.
There were fears I needed to face, beliefs I had to challenge, and emotional blocks that no one else could remove for me. The encouragement mattered. The support mattered. But ultimately, I had to become ready.
Looking back now, I realize I wasn’t failing. I wasn’t resisting change simply because I was unwilling. I was moving through my own stages of change. Once I had worked through what was holding me back, driving no longer felt impossible—it became possible because I had become ready.
That experience taught me something I have never forgotten: people cannot heal according to our timeline. They heal according to the work they have done within themselves.
Healing Doesn’t Always Mean a Cure
I’ve experienced something similar through my health journey.
There was a time when my illness became the lens through which I viewed my life. It influenced my confidence, my choices, my dreams, and eventually even my identity. Without realizing it, I had begun seeing myself as my diagnosis rather than as a whole person living with one.
Over time, something shifted.
My illness didn’t magically disappear. But my relationship with it changed.
I stopped allowing my diagnosis to define who I believed myself to be. Instead, I began seeing myself as a whole person who happened to be living with a chronic illness.
That distinction changed everything.
I didn’t deny the reality of my health challenges, nor did I pretend they weren’t real. Instead, I stopped allowing them to define my identity. Healing, for me, wasn’t only about my physical health. It was about reclaiming hope, rebuilding my confidence, and recognizing that while illness is part of my story, it is not the whole story.
I am not my illness.
I am a person living with an illness.
That realization didn’t happen overnight either. Like so many other changes in life, it happened gradually—one step, one choice, and one stage at a time.
Understanding the Stages of Change
The Precontemplation stage is where a person may not yet recognize that change is needed, or perhaps they simply are not emotionally ready to consider it. This doesn’t make them lazy, weak, or stubborn. It simply means they are not yet ready to begin. Sometimes our role isn’t to push harder. Sometimes our role is simply to plant a seed and trust that it will grow when the time is right.
The Contemplation stage is where awareness begins. Questions emerge. People begin wrestling with whether life could look different. This stage can be emotionally exhausting because part of us wants to move forward while another part desperately wants to remain where life feels familiar and safe.
The Preparation stage is one I believe deserves far more respect than it often receives. Lately, I’ve noticed many messages online suggesting that if you’re still reading books, taking courses, journaling, praying, meditating, or seeking support, you’re simply avoiding “the real work.” While that can sometimes happen, I don’t believe it’s true for everyone.
Preparation is where confidence grows. It’s where we gain insight, learn new skills, seek support, and begin believing that change is possible. Without preparation, action often isn’t sustainable.
Preparation isn’t failure.
Reflection isn’t weakness.
Seeking support isn’t avoidance.
The Action stage is the one everyone notices because visible changes begin to appear. Boundaries are set. Habits shift. Conversations happen. Life begins to look different. Yet these visible changes are supported by countless invisible moments that came before them.
Finally comes Maintenance, where healing continues long after the initial change has been made. This is where we continue choosing healthier patterns, learn from setbacks rather than allowing them to define us, and discover that growth isn’t measured by perfection—it’s measured by perseverance.
Why We Can’t Force Someone to Heal
Perhaps one of the greatest lessons the Stages of Change Model teaches us is humility.
As much as we may love someone, care about them, or desperately want a different life for them, we cannot force another person to change before they are ready. We can encourage them, educate them, support them, and walk beside them, but we cannot do the inner work on their behalf.
Throughout my work and my own life experiences, I’ve seen people who know cognitively that something needs to change. They understand what they “should” do and may even want their circumstances to be different. Yet understanding a problem and feeling ready to address it are not always the same thing.
Fear, trauma, shame, financial pressures, relationship dynamics, family expectations, low self-worth, grief, chronic illness, or painful past experiences can all become barriers that keep someone feeling stuck. These barriers don’t necessarily mean a person lacks motivation or doesn’t want something better. Often, they reflect the emotional work that still needs to take place before lasting change feels possible.
This is especially evident when supporting someone living with addiction. Families desperately want the person they love to stop using. Partners plead, parents cry, friends beg, and professionals offer resources, treatment, and hope. Every one of those efforts matters because they plant seeds, offer support, and remind the individual that they are not alone.
However, lasting recovery usually begins when the individual reaches a place where they are both ready and willing to accept help. Some people describe this as “hitting rock bottom,” although I believe that experience looks different for everyone. It isn’t always one dramatic event. Sometimes it is a quiet realization that life can no longer continue the way it has.
Rather than asking, “Why won’t they change?” perhaps we can begin asking, “What might be preventing them from taking the next step?” That shift doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour, nor does it mean we abandon healthy boundaries. Instead, it invites us to respond with greater understanding while recognizing that meaningful change cannot be forced.
Healing cannot be forced. But it can be encouraged, supported, and nurtured with patience, compassion, and hope.
Compassion Creates Space for Change
One of the greatest lessons the Stages of Change Model has taught me is that people rarely change because they are criticized, judged, or pressured. More often, lasting change begins when people feel seen, understood, and supported.
This doesn’t mean we ignore unhealthy behaviours or pretend difficult situations don’t exist. It doesn’t mean we stop setting boundaries or accepting responsibility for our choices. Rather, it reminds us that meaningful change is most likely to occur when we understand what may be standing in someone’s way and respond with compassion instead of condemnation.
Every person’s story is different. Some people are carrying unresolved trauma. Others are navigating fear, grief, shame, financial hardship, chronic illness, or years of believing they were not enough. While these experiences do not excuse harmful behaviour, they often help us understand why change can feel so overwhelming.
When we begin asking, “What might this person be carrying?” instead of “Why won’t they just change?” we create space for empathy. We stop viewing people as problems to fix and begin seeing them as human beings doing the best they can with the tools, experiences, and awareness they have at that moment.
I believe this applies not only to how we view others, but also to how we view ourselves. So often we become our own harshest critics, believing we should be further ahead or that we “should have figured it out by now.” Yet healing has never been about perfection. It has always been about progress.
When we replace judgment with curiosity and compassion, something remarkable happens. We begin creating the very environment where growth becomes possible.
Where Are You Today?
Instead of asking yourself, “Why am I not further ahead?” perhaps ask yourself a different question:
“What stage of change am I in today?”
Not the stage you wish you were in.
Not the stage someone else expects you to be in.
Simply the stage you’re honestly in today.
Every stage has value because every stage teaches us something. Whether you are just beginning to recognize that change is needed, gathering the courage to take the next step, or working hard to maintain changes you’ve already made, your journey deserves compassion.
Growth is not measured by how quickly we move through the stages. It is measured by our willingness to keep moving forward, even when the steps feel small.
Give yourself permission to honour where you are today while continuing to believe in where you are capable of going.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone else.
It’s about becoming more fully yourself.
Closing Reflections
As I reflect on the Stages of Change Model, I find myself returning to one simple truth: healing asks us to be patient—with ourselves and with others.
So often we judge ourselves for not being further ahead, or we become frustrated when someone we care about doesn’t make the changes we believe they need to make. Yet growth has its own rhythm. It unfolds as people gain awareness, build confidence, face fears, and become ready to take the next step. None of us can force that process, and none of us are meant to walk it in exactly the same way.
If there is one thing I hope you take away from this article, it is this: wherever you are today, your journey has value. Whether you are just beginning to recognize that something needs to change, gathering the courage to move forward, or working to maintain the progress you’ve already made, every stage deserves compassion rather than criticism.
Sometimes the most important step we take isn’t the biggest one. Sometimes it’s simply allowing ourselves to believe that change is possible.
If you’re finding yourself feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or uncertain about what your next step looks like, know that you don’t have to figure it all out alone. Seeking support isn’t a sign of weakness; it is often one of the greatest acts of courage we can choose. Whether through life coaching, spiritual counselling, or simply having someone walk alongside you without judgment, my hope is to provide a safe space where healing, insight, and growth can unfold at a pace that honours your unique journey.
Thank you for taking the time to read and reflect with me. My hope is that this article has offered not only knowledge, but also reassurance that change is possible. It may not happen overnight, but with patience, compassion, and a willingness to keep moving forward, healing has a way of unfolding one step at a time.
May you continue to meet yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you so freely offer to others.
With love,
Nancy
Angel Blessings
Life coaching /Spiritual Counselling/
💛 Nancyism
Healing isn’t about becoming who the world expects you to be. It’s about having the courage to become more of who you truly are.
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